


Why So Cereal?

by zuotian



Category: South Park
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Episode: s22e06 Time To Get Cereal, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, ManBearPig, Missing Scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 09:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16595195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: Missing scenes from Time To Get Cereal.In the midst of a legal and environmental crisis, Kenny reflects on his standing in South Park and Cartman snaps him out of it. It doesn't solve any of their problems.





	Why So Cereal?

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL SHOW—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
> 
> [Disclaimer: Some dialogue lifted directly from the episode script, found on the South Park Wiki]

Stan and Kyle walked ahead, down the Denver city hall steps, talking animatedly between each other. Cartman paused, staying behind at the top. Kenny stopped beside him.

“Mff phfm?” Kenny asked.

“This could be our undoing,” Cartman said.

“Pffhmmhf.”

“How do you know that?”

Kenny shrugged. If his mortality didn’t even matter, well then nothing made sense or ever would. Manbearpig could be vanquished or not, just like E-scooters could rise up and take over the world. But Kenny was of the philosophy that there was always a cell tower to takedown somewhere, and he’d find it.

Cartman spoke again. “You don’t care because you’re a welfare queen. You’re used to the government bailing you out.”

Kenny frowned under the collar of his parka. “Mffhhmffr!”

“Don’t beat me up, or I’ll file a lawsuit and get your house foreclosed,” Cartman warned.

“Fffu,” Kenny said.

They were interrupted by Kyle’s nasally shouting voice. “Hey guys! We gotta catch the bus!”

Cartman looked down the steps in disdain, but Kenny started walking before Cartman could speak, and Cartman followed him disdainfully.

The bus took them to the main station. Once there, Kenny realized he was short on change.

“Kenny’s being poor again,” Cartman told Stan and Kyle. “Let’s just leave him. The bowling alley isn’t open all night.”

Stan didn’t say anything. He was all messed up about his gay uncle’s boyfriend who was probably dead.

Kyle crossed his arms, scowling. “We’re not leaving Kenny.”

“Then he needs to pickpocket somebody,” Cartman said.

“We’re not stealing either,” Kyle protested.

Kenny ignored them both. He pulled his hood down, all blue eyes and blond hair, and walked up to a middle-aged lady smoking a cigarette. “Hey excuse me? Do you have an extra buck?”

She sneered at him. “Fuck off, kid.”

Kenny pulled his hood back on and flipped the lady off. “Mfftwat!”

“You suck dude,” Cartman told him.

Kenny punched Cartman’s arm. “Mggmgmf!”

“Shut up,” Kyle said, “look.”

They all turned to Stan. An older woman with a crooked back had stooped in front of him.

“What’s wrong, boy? Why are you so sad?”

“Uh,” Stan said.

“You don’t have any bus fare? Here, take this,” she said, and handed him three dollars.

“Weak,” Cartman observed.

“Goddammit,” Kenny said.

Stan gave Kenny the three dollars and they all got on the bus in time.

“I haven’t been at a bowling alley in forever,” Kyle said once Gramercy Lanes came into view. “Remember, Stan? When we played Guitar Hero?”

“Sure,” Stan said, slumped in his seat beside Kyle.

Across the aisle, Kenny was staring out the window trying to ignore Cartman’s bitching about Red Dead Redemption.

Kyle frowned at Stan’s non-committal answer, then turned to take it out on Cartman. “Shut up, fatass,” he snapped. “We’d all rather be playing Red Dead Redemption right now!”

Kenny tugged on the stop signal, and the bus creaked to a halt at the corner of Gramercy Lanes. The four boys shuffled off onto the curb.

“It’s not just me,” Cartman said. “It’s Kenny too!”

“Mhhpfm,” Kenny said.

“I didn’t even do anything this time,” Cartman continued. “You can go check Jimbo’s bomb shelter if you don’t believe me!”

Kyle stabbed his finger at Cartman’s chest. “I don’t care whose fault it is! The only reason I’m doing this is to get rid of ManBearPig. People are dying - I don’t give a shit about you two or who did what. No offense, Kenny.”

Kenny waved him off. “Phhmmh.”

“Can we just get this over with?” Stan asked dejectedly.

They went inside and found Al Gore at the farthest lane. His hair was gray and he sported a massive beard; he looked like a crazy homeless man pretending to be president.

“Does he live here?” Cartman asked quietly.

Kenny snickered.

“Shut up dude,” Kyle said. “We have to be nice.”

“Balls,” Cartman sighed.

Stan stepped forward, surprising the rest of the boys as he broke his relative silence. “Mr. Gore?”

Al Gore continued bowling. “Focus. Calm.”

“Al Gore?”

Al Gore finally turned to them. “That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”

“I don’t know if you remember us,” Stan said, “but we’re the kids you got to help try and capture ManBearPig? Well, uh, you were right. You were totally right. ManBearPig is real and, uh, he’s killing lots of people in our town.”

“Oh. Sucks for you,” Al Gore said. He reared his arm back, released the ball in one smooth twist of his hand, and completed the spare.

“Please, Mr. Gore!,” Kyle begged as the pins reset themselves. “We need your help. ManBearPig isn’t going to stop!”

“You stop it all those years ago when I freaking warned you and you still had time!”

“There has been something we can still do. Please, Mr. Gore,” Stan said. “You’re the only person who knows anything about it.”

Al Gore faced them fully. The four boys waited in suspense.

“Say you’re sorry for making fun of me,” he demanded.

Stan blinked. “We didn’t - we didn’t realize there were more than -”

“Say you’re sorry for making fun of me,” Al Gore repeated.

Cartman spoke, without inflection or sarcasm. “We’re sorry for making fun of you.”

Nobody moved, but Kenny was dying to look at him. What the fuck was going on? How serious was all of this? A lot more than Kenny had initially thought, it seemed.

Gore shook his head. “That...didn’t sound cereal at all.”

He turned and bowled a strike.

The pins crashed in on each other, and the ball got swept underneath the waxed floorboards.

“What will it take?” Cartman asked.

Gore paused over the ball return, pondering. “Well...”

And so the four boys and Al Gore went on an adventure of discovery.

They went through Denver, to Olive Garden, and finally to Al Gore’s homebase. It was there where they learned that ManBearPig was a demon from Satan, and in order to destroy it they had to communicate with the undead lord.

Now they were at the grocery store to get cereal. And by cereal, Al Gore meant a set of prayer candles and black robes. The four boys stood behind him in the checkout, each sulking for their own reasons.

To Kenny, this whole thing was stupid. If he and Cartman had actually done something then he wouldn’t mind this desperate solution; but it was all for nothing. Sooner or later, everybody would realize ManBearPig was to blame, and they could all play Red Dead Redemption again. This was all just a waste of time. And Al Gore was really annoying.

But if Kenny was being honest, that’s not what bothered him the most. What bothered him the most was what Sergeant Yates had said in the principal’s office that morning.

_“I asked the kids in this school, ‘Who are the biggest loners? Who's most likely to rage and be the next school shooter?’ You know what they said? The fat, ugly mean kid and the detached, loner poor kid.’”_

Detached, loner poor kid... Kenny harrumphed. He thought of what Mackey told him last week, too.

_“Yeah, you're right. You're a good kid, Kenny. I always thought so. I know we kind of all forget about you sometimes, but you're smart, compassionate, and you might even make a good counselor someday.”_

All of this was so stupid. Kenny stared at the candle and robes in his arms. He tossed it all at the magazine rack in front of him and stormed outside.

Al Gore shouted after him. “Kenny, get back here, I’m cereal!”

The automatic doors whirred shut behind Kenny. He sighed in relief, and leaned against one of the storefront’s pillars.

The doors opened again. “Hey, asshole!”

Kenny didn’t turn around.

“I said HEY!”

Kenny’s hood was yanked down, a few locks of hair with it. He yelped and spun around, face-to-face with Cartman who looked just as pissed as him.

“Leave me alone,” Kenny said.

“No!” Cartman pushed him back against the bricks. “When did you get sand in your vagina, huh? You were the one telling me everything’s okay!”

“It’s not okay, dude.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t have enough money for the bus,” Kenny said. “I can’t stand any of you guys, especially Al Gore. Nobody even gives a shit about me. Stan’s just worried about Ned, Kyle’s worried about him, and you’re worried about yourself. I really am the detached, loner poor kid! And you know what - you ARE fat, ugly and mean! And if they’re gonna arrest us for that - what can we even do? That’s all anybody sees.”

“You’re pissed off about what that cop said?” Cartman took a step back and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh my god. Do you even know your own law enforcement, Mysterion? Yates got gangraped in a frat house orgy for a sting operation. We’ll outsmart him, easy. He’s a fucking idiot. And so are you, dumbass!”

“I’m not the dumbass, dumbass - you’re not listening!”

Cartman took Kenny’s arm like he had earlier than morning, and threw Kenny against the grocery store wall like it was PC Principal’s door. “You listen to me,” Cartman said. “I don’t give a shit! I’m - not - going - back - to - juvie!”

“Screw off,” Kenny said.

“I am prepared to do whatever it takes, Kenny,” Cartman said. He took off his gloves and took off his coat. “I’ll fucking fight you. I’m gonna kick you in the balls if you don’t go back inside and apologize to Al Gore!”

“Cartman, I’ve seen you fight,” Kenny said. “I’ll -”

The grocery store’s automatic doors opened. Kenny pulled his hood up at the sight of Al Gore, Stan, and Kyle.

“Are you trying to fight Kenny?” Kyle asked Cartman.

“What’s going on here?” Al Gore said. “Do you guys really want me to help get rid of ManBearPig or what?”

“Yes!” Stan said.

Cartman grumbled, but put his gloves and coat back on. “Kenny is being a pussy.”

“Why are you being a pussy, Kenny?” Al Gore asked.

“He’s just the detached, loner poor kid, Mr. Gore,” Cartman said. “He’s not gonna help us.”

“Mffphhm,” Kenny snapped. He walked to Al Gore, stole a black robe and put it on. “Hmph!”

“It’s too late,” Al Gore told Kenny, but handed him a prayer candle anyway.

Standing in the parking lot beside Al Gore’s car, the rest of the boys got dressed and pocketed their candles away.

“Alright, boys,” Al Gore said. “Now all we need is a goat to sacrifice and two dead chickens. And I’m super cereal.”

Al Gore drove them back toward South Park. Once they were halfway there, Stan directed them to a farm near his family’s land. Al Gore swiftly broke the necks of two hens, while the four boys shepherded a goat into Al Gore’s car. They finished their detour and went to the woods outside of town.

“ManBearPig can probably smell us with these dead chickens,” Stan said. He’d been spooked since they left the farmland, where Cartman kept making jokes about finding Ned’s body. They never did.

“Be quiet,” Al Gore hissed. He was at the front of their group, and signaled for everyone to stop. Kenny found himself crouching behind Cartman’s huge back.

They all turned to the sound of breaking twigs, and a dark silhouette flashed between the trees.

“Holy shit,” Stan said.

“Shut up,” Kyle said.

“It’s probably making love to Ned’s corpse,” Cartman said.

“Mffm ffmmfph,” Kenny said.

“BE QUIET,” Al Gore yelled. His eyes widened. “Aw, fuck.”

Kenny almost considered throwing himself at the ManBearPig, just so he could die and wake up with all of this over - and maybe buy the guys some extra time.

But then he remembered what Cartman had said outside of the grocery store: _“He’s just the detached, loner poor kid, Mr. Gore. He’s not gonna help us.”_

Kenny was fine relenting to a cop’s first impression - that was the McCormick way - but relenting to Cartman was out of the question.

So he stayed. But the five seconds it took to make that decision were too long. Their group had scattered into the trees, leaving Kenny alone.

Or so he thought. A hand materialized out from a bush, snatching Kenny by the parka and pulling him out of harms way.

Kenny tumbled to the ground at somebody’s feet. When he looked up, he saw Cartman’s candlelit face staring down at him.

“Thanks,” Kenny said.

“You’re welcome,” Cartman said.

Maybe Kenny wasn’t so detached, in the end; and maybe Cartman wasn’t so mean. They still got arrested anyway.

Al Gore and the boys had escaped ManBearPig. But one satanic ritual, library trip, and breaking news segment later, the four of them were divided between two squad cars.

Cartman and Kenny were put together, as they were the original suspects. Cartman ranted at the officer on the other side of the gate. Kenny remained quiet; some cop ordered him to keep his hood down for identification purposes, and he tried to look invisible as possible.

Once Cartman cursed himself to silence, Kenny spoke.

“Sorry you’re going back to juvie,” he said.

Cartman sighed. “Sorry we couldn’t get past Yates’ bullshit.”

“You know,” Kenny said, letting his head drop onto Cartman’s shoulder, “I don’t care what he said anymore. I am a loner. But I’m a loner with you. And you’re fat, ugly, and mean. You try to fight people in parking lots. But only because you’re so nice.”

“Finally got that sand outta your vagina?”

“Something like that.”

Cartman rested his head on top of Kenny’s even if it looked gay, because this would probably be the last they saw of each other once they got to the precinct, and who knew what would happen after that.

“I knew you would," he said.

**Author's Note:**

> Thought the Cartman/Kenny train was coming to a stop when Matt and Trey give me this episode. Whoo boy, guys you have no idea how excited I was the entire time. Kenny and Cartman are best friends again, just as it should be. Gave me a lot of material to work with, hence these deleted scenes. My personal favorite part: "Why are you being a pussy, Kenny?” Al Gore asked.
> 
> Ending is awkward because the episode itself was left unresolved. I am interested to see how they wrap this one up. Also my transitions are strange but it's hard to mimic the transitions in the show through writing; I'm working on it.
> 
> Please let me know what you think and leave a comment.


End file.
